Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Valentine's Day Effect

I wasn't sure if I wanted to document this online; journaling about my love life isn't usually something that I like to do. I think it's because most of the stuff that has to do with my relationships lately aren't positive and I don't really want to highlight the bad. However, I do think that it's worth sharing because I know there are a lot of women out there who are worth so much more than they're getting from their significant other. There's this trend going on where strong, smart women are allowing themselves to be put down by insecure, jerky guys. And it sucks. And it's not OK. It's just like in the movie "The Holiday" where Kate Winslet's character is explaining to Jack Black about this interior battle to be with someone. They're mean to you, they make you feel like you've done something wrong, and then just as you're about to give up and leave them forever they win you over again by doing something nice for you. So every time it makes you think you've got it wrong or misunderstood and that they ARE a great person. You lose the battle every time with yourself. Watch that scene if you haven't seen it in a while. It's so true.

Anyway, that's the relationship I was in. Of course it wasn't like that the entire three+ years we were together, but for the last year it was EXACTLY that. A year of my life. Ugh. That's so crazy to me. And for over a year now, I have done my best to ignore he-who-shall-not-be-named, despite his attempts over and over again to contact me (via email, text, Facebook). I finally blocked his number, as you may remember, and have successfully built my own life without him. I'm much healthier physically, mentally, and emotionally. Yes, of course, I still miss the good parts of him, but overall I'm back to being just me. :)

So last Friday, he-who-shall-not-be-named called me from a phone number that I didn't recognize. So I answered it, thinking it might be about my W2s. It wasn't about my W2s. It was he-who-shall-not-be-named being sneaky AGAIN to try to get in contact with me. And it worked. But I used the time to tell him the things that I wanted to but couldn't, namely don't ever contact me again. If I wanted to talk to  you, I would make it happen. Don't text me every month thinking "maybe this is the month she'll finally talk to me." Because it's not! This is never going to be the month where I'm OK with being your friend. I don't want to be friends with someone who treated me so poorly over and over again. And I thank my lucky stars that I was able to see FINALLY the pattern that my life would be if I stayed with him. I didn't say that to him, but I'm saying now. The only reason I finally left for good was because it hit me: If I stay with he-who-shall-not-be-named then every six months we'll be back where we were before...where he does something crappy that leads me to not trusting him. And then he'll do something nice that makes me feel a little bit better. Until we're back to almost good and it starts all over again. And that constant turmoil is something that I never want for myself. Not with a future boyfriend, not with a friend, not with a family member. Everyone deserves to know that the people they love have their best interests at heart. I deserve friends who will treat me with the respect that I treat them. I deserve a boyfriend who is honest and open.

Which brings me to the dream I had during a nap yesterday. I truly believe that my dreams (can't speak for anyone else's dreams, after all) give me a glimpse into what my subconscious is trying to work out. I thought that my five-minute cry in my work bathroom (that is the WORST, ps) after the phone call last Friday was enough. I thought I moved on; I took a shower, I did my hair, I felt good. And then yesterday, on Valentine's Day, I had a dream that he-who-shall-not-be-named and I were back together. (Clearly that holiday affects me more than I care to admit.) In the dream, he was making dinner for my family and I came downstairs to help. He hugged me and said "Can you hold my phone for me?" And I said "Really?! Are you sure?" Because that was the root of our problems. I don't really want to get into why, but his cell phone was like a window into a world that I didn't want to but had to see to believe. Because, again if I didn't have proof that he was being a jerk, I would have convinced myself AGAIN that I was being paranoid or he would do something nice to then make me question my hesitations. Anyway, I woke up really sad, but also very aware that I did the right thing by leaving him. Who wants to be so happy that their boyfriend will finally let them HOLD THEIR CELL PHONE? OMG isn't he the BEST BOYFRIEND EVER! He lets me HOLD HIS PHONE! If that isn't trust I don't know what is ;)

I am here today to tell you that you deserve better than that. I deserve better than that. And since he wasn't going to break the pattern of our toxic relationship, I sure as hell was. And I did. And over a year later, after dozens of texts and emails, after a "gotcha" phone call, and a crappy remember-the-good-times dream, I finally get it. I'm better than that. And so are you!

Phew. If you read that entire thing, thank you. Apparently, there was a Valentine's Day spirit in me that just had to get out! I just hope that if you're going through the same thing, that you realize it earlier than I did. A year is too long to waste on someone who only thinks of themselves.

So happy belated Valentine's Day. You are your number one Valentine, after all! You deserve the best!

Love,
Stephanie Marie

Oh BTW, I spent Vday with my lovely parents. We ate steak and lobster tail, my mom made potato leek soup from scratch, and then we watched some TV. It was perfect!

Photo courtesy of pinterest.

4 comments:

  1. I really enjoyed this post. I'm so sorry about your relationship, Stephanie. But I'm super, super proud of you for recognizing the pattern and breaking it. Frequently it takes people years to even recognize the pattern and then another several years to break it. So don't be hard on yourself about that.

    Your parents are awesome! Happy Valentine's!

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    1. Thanks, Verity. I think the hardest part is allowing myself the time to get over it. Even though rationally I know this is the right thing, emotionally it's hard. Damn those emotions!

      And yes, I have great parents :)

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    2. That is rough. I remember when my boyfriend in college broke up with me, it took me a year to get over it, really, and even then I'd still have bouts of sadness. I was really frustrated about that too. So I understand.

      P.S. We should totally get together some weekend!!

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    3. That sounds lovely! I'm available the first two weekends in March if you want to try the Havre de Grace area again. Just checked out local vineyards and saw this: http://web.me.com/mtfelix/Mount_Felix/Tasting_Room.html :) Could also go for a walk around Susquehanna State Park while we're there. What do you think?

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